FAITH and grace:
LIve and learn:
this is womanhood:
I used to look at the world but not see the world. I would look at the things around me — nature, people, beautiful scenery, history, old buildings — and think nothing about it. I had no opinions about them: for me it didn’t matter. One day a friend asked me, “What do you think about creation, about the world around you? What do you think about God’s creation? Do you think it’s beautiful?”
I stopped for a minute and felt bad and had a hard time answering. I had no idea. I didn’t find the world beautiful; I had no interest in it. It was like looking at the world with blurry glasses. I had a distorted lens in front of my eyes. I realized that I was looking at the world with my brokenness.
At that moment I realized that she was right, I looked back on my behavior and my thoughts and she was right. Everything she would say I would bring it back to me and would say something on how ‘I don’t feel like I measure up’ or ‘I feel inadequate’. I thought too little about myself. I was afraid of being selfish that I tried my best to hide it by being the most selfless caring person. But I was actually only thinking about myself and how not enough I was for the people around me.
Why do I keep falling and why do I keep going to what’s not good for me? I don’t even want it. I know what I want for my life and it’s not this. It feels so much easier to just let go but it’s not. I want to fight this war and I want to win because Jesus already fought it for me and He already won.
I feel like I am failing at loving. I pour myself out and it feels like I’m doing it for nothing: like the ones around me are not receiving it. Am I not loving enough? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not loving them the way they want to be loved or am I just not the person they want to be loved by?