And it's a silly thing, cause it's only a bath.

“I’m going to experience this.” I thought.

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It seems so simple, so easy to experience, but I notice that even this is rather hard for me.

And it’s a silly thing, cause it’s only a bath. But so often, there is nothing I can do of my own strength to stop beating myself up. Only grace can accomplish the task: this forgiving myself enough to let love in. I fight it, even now, will I always fight it? Will I always squirm here under the possibility of happiness, closeness, love?

But in this moment, I feel something sacred in me, rising in the stillness. You are in this. This is love: your heart to create this moment, this life, for us – for me – to enjoy. Time is slower than normal, and I think that maybe I can let you love me here.

This holy water washing right though these faltering walls. Crumbling so pathetically in the kindness of comfort. You love me enough to give this beauty etched into a white tub run with hot water. This hour of hushed heaven and sweet, simple thanksgiving.

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It’s dark; it’s quiet. Something about the rain, the cool air outside, and the grayness of the sky makes me feel deeply moved. Light flickers on the walls from three fierce little candle flames. Warmth and fragrance wafting up, but hovering low, like luscious, ripe fruit waiting to be picked. These shimmering milky-white orbs cling to my skin, ready to burst with their round, glassy rainbow-beauty. And they tie themselves together and stretch out long and wide like taffy: like sand dunes drenched in shadows at sunset.

Moisture seeps in and impurities leak out. Love seeps in and brokenness leaks out. You physically touch me here: where steam rises in a silent room and the very things you spoke into existence gently meet my own skin you wove together. You love me when the world is absent, when people disappoint, when loneliness bites at my tender heart. I am beautiful here, just like this. Bare, given, and wrapped in this peace.

And I’m sure of it right now. I can find you in this place. I can let you in…and...

I can let you love me.

Here; now.

Cassie SantyComment